Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   kids are like farts, I can barely stand my own let alone other peoples

   My girlfriend called me a pedophile! I was shocked! That's such a big word for a 5 year old

   I wish we could google how a certain person feels about us.

   Be careful when getting on Facebook! Side effects may include; mood swings, constant crying, finding love, tired fingers, loss of friends, divorce, it's complicated, loss of time, starving family, dirty home, and too much drama!!!

   You know youre really upset when you find yourself blasting music from Taylor Swift

   Doesnt it blow your mind away that 2011 is already half way over?

   I want you to know something but I dont want to tell you so I'll let the first three words of this sentence explain it

   Love is like a rubberband. We keep pulling, someone lets go and the one who held on gets hurt

   Walmart: Because going to Target requires a shower

   Go hang a salami and I'm a lasagna hog are the same backwards.

   I joke a lot, but in reality nothing can stop me from reaching my goals, except for shiny distractions or moderate discomfort.

   Shia LaBeouf has every vowel in his name, which might be the most interesting thing about him.

   Just crossed over into the Friend Zone.

   ♫Highway to the Friend Zone....Ride into the Friend Zone♫

   One of my greatest joys in life is when I've found an old friend on facebook......And they've gotten fat!! lol #iwentthere

   That awesome moment when you notce you are much better looking than the idiot she is currently with. :0)

   things I learned from frank sinatra 1. a lady never leaves her escort and 2. a lady doesn't wander all over the room and blow on some other guys dice.

   Now Charlie Sheen says he used steroids while filming "Major Leagues". So what now, do we take championship away from Cleveland? Do we put an asterisk next to the movie title? Should we remove all DVD's from the shelves and burn them?? Damn you Sheen!!

   If you are that a$$hole that honks the second the light turns green , I'm the sumb1tch that will sit there and update my Facebook.

   Benefits of eating dinner while the TV is off: 1. Hearing everyone chew. 2 Hearing the repressed burps, 3, Hearing the "silent" burps.