Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate running out of deodorant......with 1 armpit left to go

   You wanna know the definition of deductive reasoning? I've deduced that the fatter the chick, the more boring the facebook page.

   She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.

   People are so predictable..I bet you're even reading this status right now.

   We could learn from crayons. Some are sharp, some dull, some pretty, some have weird names, and all are different colours... but they all live in the same box.

   Unwritten Facebook rule #5 : If that person isn't in the photo, don't tag them.

   DUDE I WASN'T THAT DRUNK! Dude, you were shaking pineapples yelling "Spongebob, I know you're in there!"

   oh mr bean burrito, why do you hate me so?

   I like watching hoarders...it makes my house look clean

   Constitution signed [X] Morons taking over and ruining it [X] ... We gotta fix this country.

   "I wasn't that Drunk.." "Dude, you threw a bird at the police and screamed go angry bird kill those pigs!"

   We used to be the same person... Who tho hell are you?

   The two favorite buttons I LOVE on Facebook: "Hide all posts from this person" and "Hide friend request".

   Okay, I haven't seen a damn spider around here in like three days...What the hell are they planning??

   Because of the poor economy, we couldn't afford fireworks.  The only snap, crackle, and pop at our house yesterday was when I poured milk on a bowl of Rice Krispies.

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is damn bacteria.

   Let the fireworks begin!!!

   Microwave popcorn...my own personal fireworks noise.

   I want to go to prison....I hear the exercise program there is AWESOME!!!

   The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass