Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your body might be trying to tell you something, shut it up with cheese

   If drinking destroys your memory…what does drinking do?

   Why would I trust the Gordon's fisherman? Bad things happen when you "trust" a man in a rain slicker. All he needs is a windowless van

   I wonder if I'm the only person who makes the "oh my god" face when I poot really loud in a packed out restroom

   A man should never talk on the phone with another guy while lying on his stomach with his legs in the air.

   If I had a pu$$y, I would never be broke!

   Lazy Test Rule #19401957294710149: you're so lazy you didn't even finish reading the number.

   Going to try to make meat loaf this week. Shape Meat into ball or loaf, place into pan, Cover with ketchup, turn on oven

   It's ok to talk to yourself as long as you don't get answers

   Writing a poem to my wife. What rhymes with threesome?

   If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?

   The heat wave continues! It's so hot in New York City that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch.--Joan Rivers

   Grandmother died and in the will she left me the whole farm!! only later did I realized it was on Facebook. Well played Grandmother, well played.

   Since almost 7 billion people live on Earth now, the statement "you're one in a million" really isn't that much of a compliment anymore.

   put my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley.

   All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.

   In my book, having sex with people comes first and getting to know the person comes second.

   Bad breath + Bad body odor = Undateable

   Women don't cheat on me, they cheat with me.

   Teacher: where is your homework? Student: I uploaded it on Facebook and I tagged you in it.