Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just conquered Duck Hunt! I'm such a gamer.

   my spider sense is tingling. Or maybe its just the tequila and beer mixing with the whiskey.

   gf,, wants more romance,,Does anybody know where I can get a noble steed and an unrealistic amount of stamina?

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   For Halloween this year I'm gonna tie a potato to my junk and go as a dictator!

   It's kind of funny that Shakespeare invented the word "swagger."

   It's really annoying when you want to talk to someone, but you have a feeling that they don't want to talk to you.

   It must've been tough being a magician in the 15th century. "Is this your card?" "Burn him! Burn the witch!!".

   Waking up at 7:00 always seems better than waking up at 6:59.

   You usually don't care what other people are saying until they start whispering.

   #iwasntthatDrunk "Dude, you made your girlfriend a sandwich!"

   Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there's only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status...After 5 it should default to 'Unstable'

   In Toy Story 3, if Andy was 17, that means that the toys stood there in silence while andy furiously masturbated.

   I would like to shove your keyboard so far up your A$$ , your stomach can PM your colon about up coming events .

   Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons

   Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you

   When People Say, "When I Was Little I..." And I'm Just Sitting There Awkwardly Like, "I Still Do That"....

   The Feeling You Get When You're Paying For Something And Can't Find Your Money...