Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at WORK.!!!

   There are two things why we don't trust people. FIRST: We don't know them. SECOND: We know them.

   Dear parents: Oh really? I'm a liar? What about the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus? Sincerely, your child.

   How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I'll let you know if we can be friends.

   there has been a new law stating that veils are not to be allowed in the workplace. Bee keepers are furious!

   finished his first book in 24 years...That was a hell of a lot of coloring!

   wants to change my name on facebook to "no-one". then when I add someone it will say "no-one wants to be your friend".

   This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn't sound fun at all.

   Sometimes, I wonder if anyone is secretly in love with me.

   "Sex is a part of nature, I go along with nature." - Marilyn Monroe

   God's busy. Can I help you?

   Have you ever realized how many types of asses there are? SmartASS. DumbASS. CrazyASS. StupidASS. Who knew asses had personalities?

   Swallowing pride never choked anyone

   Sometimes it's more important to be human, than to have good taste.

   Experience is a good teacher, but it comes at a high price.

   Steelers menu tonight: 4 & 20 black (dirty) birds baked in a pie!

   accidentally touched a woman's backside so she gave me a look and said "Prick", so I poked her!

   Seriously! How do they train the animals look so sad in those ASPCA commercials? They are convincing.

   The fun thing about Facebook is......none you know if I'm naked or not.

   Some girls see the news reports of those ladies with 136 cats and think, "See, I'm not The Crazy Cat Lady." WRONG!!  If you talk to your cats like they're your children, you ARE The Crazy Cat Lady!