Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you never seen a McDonalds or a Burger King under construction...they just show up

   When someone calls me a C**t... I know I've done something right

   Sleeping naked is good. Waking up next to that special someone is even better

   No matter how expensive the perfume a stripper wears, it will never cover up the smell of poor decision making.

   "Dude, she just called you disorganized!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my...oh sh!t were is it!?"

   Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. So just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with alcohol.

   FACT: Handicapped parking spaces to handicapped drivers ratio is way too high.

   If I am home alone, there's a 96% chance I'm naked.

   Fact: Women are the leading cause of herpes. How do I know? It isn't called "HISpes" is it?

   I wonder what happened and at what point a youngster decides, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a proctologist".

   i feel sorry for future generation college kids.....we buy our books & can sell them back...in the future it will be a kindle download you cant sell back

   ◔◡◔ stalk mode; on.

   I asked my Heart : Why can't I Sleep at Night? My Heart told me : Because you have already Slept in the Afternoon. Don't act like you are in Love !

   AOL puts Sandusky news on their sports page. Molestation is physical but it's not technically a sport is it?

   If Jesus guides Tebow on the field, he also guides me through the buffet at Sizzler, so please achieve peace with that.

   Fracking - because only man would want to create something so toxic it can kill rocks.

   My girlfriend asked me if a fleshlight lights up like a flashlight because it would be a great dual purpose tool. I can't argue that.

   Just when you think uni-brow humor has reached it's peak, BOOM! Telemundo steps in and takes it to the next level.

   Alarm, snooze, check Facebook...

   I didn't know call girls charge by the hour......still have 57 minutes left, I hope she knows how to cook!