Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I'll remember you.

   Google+ is like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense. It doesn't know it's dead yet.

   I'm convinced the only thing new moms know how to do is upload pictures of their baby on facebook.

   I hate it when I wake up from drinking and I have "I love c0ck" written on my forehead. Especially when I've been drinking at home alone.

   would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

   If I ever get caught soliciting a prostitute, I'm going to say "These aren't the droids I've been looking for!".

   I get a lot of dates when I tell girls that the poem "the man from nantucket" was written about me.

   I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they got back from the IRS..............

   I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart.. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   You can fix everyone's problems, but when it comes to you, you're lost.

   If you wear a bluetooth, please use one of your free hands to slap the ever loving sh*t out of yourself.

   "There should be a body shop called Auto Correct."

   You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn't stolen.

   Eventually gravity lowers every woman's standards.

   The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch.

   Roses Are Red Violets Are Red Trees Are Red Fuck my gardens on fire!

   Christmas...-What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of your sock?

   I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.......

   Independent women throw your hands in the air!!!! Whooooooo! Ok now put your hands down and go do some dishes.

   I tried letting a smile be my umbrella, but you can't whack people with a smile!