Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

   I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

   Columbus Day is one thing, but I'm still upset about my personal holiday. No, not my Birthday. I'm talking about Fat Tuesday. 😛

   A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.

   The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

   Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

   Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.

   People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

   YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

   Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

   [at the auto parts store] Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chrysler Counter Guy: What size engine

   I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

   I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

   Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?

   So I've been on a new diet I really seem to be working for me that's called "The cost of food"

   In this world, there are beings who consider you their universe. Okay, they're dust mites and they live on your eyebrows, but so?

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."

   Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget