Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If all else fails in my life I can always become a priest and earn a living through that gig.

   some people are like clouds, once they f__K off it becomes a nice day.

   Religion is a multi-billion dollar industry and those benefiting financially from it will do everything in their power to keep the con going.

   I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!

   Olympian's earn their medals every 4yrs........In Afghanistan our servicemen earn their medals every day!!!

   Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff.

   I walked into the Dentist's office and he asked me what the problem was and I said ''Doc, I think I'm a Giant Moth!'' He said ''You need a Psychiatrist not a Dentist, why did you come in here?'' I told him ''The light was on!!!''

   People are so excited about the 100m Olympic times, but Jason Voorhees could beat all those clowns just walking.

   No matter how old you are an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a Sword!

   There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   I haven't spoken to my wife in 3days because she hates when I interupt her!

   More often than not, my feelings can be summed up with a simple "feh."

   Hey "hi how ah you" you,and your ignorant quotes about religion SUCK!

   When will Britain learn? They have a wedding, we kill Bin Laden...they have the Olympics, we land on Mars.

   The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.

   Fourth place is the first to regret giving up booze and drugs for 4 years.

   A.W.K. moment when Pakistan does not win any medals at the Olympics for 'Shooting'

   Watching the Olympics made me feel fat...then I saw a McDonald's ad and ate a big Mac!

   If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.

   I always feel a little smarter when its kids week on jeopardy RJ :P