Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."

   As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered.

   I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school.

   Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I'm really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   I'd be the worst 911 Operator. "Uh ma'am I think you mean he was lying in a puddle of his own blood, not laying."

   Mention me in your will. Just give me a shout out or something.

   Ugh I hate when I go to shoot someone with a gun and then realize I accidentally packed my hot glue gun and end up scrapbooking for hoourrrs

   Decaf coffee is like paying a hooker for a hug.

   Watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.

   I'm not worried about God judging me. He's too busy judging the rest of you b@stards.

   If I ever make a list of dumb things I have done my ex would be right on top.

   I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

   Black guys and white guys never have more in common than when they're being yelled at in public by their girlfriends.

   Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from a egg plant. I'm going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.

   China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

   It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.

   Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

   It's really very simple; I will love you unconditionally as long as you just do everything I say.

   You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.

   Sometimes pretending to be busy takes more effort than being busy.