Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 311 of 6386
I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.
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01-04-2021 08:25
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
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01-04-2021 08:23
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The date went downhill fast after I questioned which house from Harry Potter she belonged in.
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01-04-2021 08:22
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Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
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01-04-2021 08:19
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
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01-04-2021 08:18
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My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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01-04-2021 08:17
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I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
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01-04-2021 08:17
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Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?” Now, I’m blocked.
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01-04-2021 08:17
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Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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01-04-2021 08:15
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
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01-04-2021 08:15
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
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01-04-2021 08:14
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Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
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01-04-2021 08:13
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
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01-04-2021 08:12
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I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
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01-04-2021 08:11
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My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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01-04-2021 08:10
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
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01-04-2021 08:09
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I just need you to find me 100 upvotes! I can't stand losing, and I'll try anything to win!
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01-04-2021 07:47 by truman
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If you are ever wondering who your real friends are, delete your Facebook account and see who calls.
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01-04-2021 01:34 by Moon
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Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self-centered lives already in progress.
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01-03-2021 14:00 by JCGJ
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