Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever felt like you are surrounded by incompitence and realized you were by yourself

   Balloons are so weird... "Congratulations on having a baby, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

   I've discovered the 8th Wonder Of The World. There are no hot women in Minnesota.

   Studies show that California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression....It's a sad State of affairs.

   I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?

   When you catch the Holy Ghost on the streets you are a crackhead

   I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

   got new a deodorant ..Instructions say remove top and push up bottom.. My a$$ hurts but every time I fart the room smells great.

   My home is like the Playboy Mansion except all the girls are inflatable and have a surprised look on their face.

   I switched to midget p0rn to save space on my hard drive.

   We all spend that extra minute or two brushing on the day of your dentist appointment...

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backwards. I think he inherited that trait from our Mom or Dad.

   You treat your body like a temple? That’s nice......... I treat mine like a wh0reh0use above a liquor store next to a 24 hr Taco Bell.

   More social media's please.............. I have 20 min of real life to ignore

   We all should pee slow and sporadic tonight in honor of Dick Trickle.... RIP

   When you are talking to an invisible man in the sky, you are either A) on drugs Or B) at church

   I want to see that KFC commercial, but with Hannibal Lecter in it screaming "I ATE THE BONES"!!

   If you had told me 30 years ago that I'd be talking to strangers on the Internet all day, I woulda told you to shut up and pack another bowl....

   Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.

   has found that the best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.