Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ann summers are launching its first range of underwear aimed specifically at the welsh market. The whole range is made entirely from pure wool

   If Kim Kardashian gains any more weight she’ll become the world’s 8th continent.

   For such an advanced civilization, how the hell have we not found a way to stop cigarettes from making you smell like a dragon’s f art?

   I don't trust gorgeous women who are broke.

   I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

   Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like God came down and highlighted all the important parts.

   All I said was Don't spill the bong water. Thanks a lot Amanda guess who's buying me a new Bong Bit€h!

   The hottest club in town is the one with the least amount of Beliebers inside

   If work didn't want me spinning right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round then why did they give me a swivel chair?

   One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

   California just released their "Obamacare" insurance rates. They are pretty low, so I'm assuming that the death panels are not included in the basic plan....

   Singer Jacqueline Simpson Sues McDonald's because her voice is damaged from glass in a sandwich, music fans commented who is Jacqueline Simpson ?

   Morning showers: you never want to get in, then you never want to get out.

   you are so beautiful that when we are out, people assume I'm dying and you must be from the Make a Wish Foundation.

   I honestly believe the reason I get such a dark tan in the Summer is because I spent so many years working on a Suntan Oil Rig.

   A Scout is: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, Reverent... and FABULOUS!!!

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already

   Why is it that the very people who are against abortion, pornography, and homosexuality are the very same people you wouldn't want to have sex with in the first place?

   When you watch Jersey Shore, Darwin cries.

   "good goin' there einstein" "yeah way to go, einstein!" "nice move, einstein!" - the Einstein family reunion annual softball game