Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."

   Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.

   I've got some terrible news: MSN

   We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than a fat person.

   You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response

   Soulja Boy needs to make a big comeback very soon or else this tattoo is going to start looking stupid.

   I love you so much I'll eat this pizza to prove it.

   I'm not much of a Target person...just seems hypocritical that you can't buy guns, ammo or....targets at a place called Target!!

   I am not a Jesus so don't expect miracles from me dammit.

   Alcohol doesn't solve problems, but neither does milk

   I just realized that sometimes I can be a little condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   I'm sick of people comparing Freddie Mercury to God. I mean, the guy was pretty good, but he was no Freddie Mercury.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, You answer it.

   I really only realize what I'm missing by not having a relationship when I have to make my own sandwiches.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.

   I've got some terrible news: FOX

   I find it weird that restraining orders don't specify what kind of restraints to use.

   If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.

   My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..