Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?

   My friend told me, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." So I hit him with a dictionary on his head - that showed him.

   sometimes I can't figure out if I'm in preschool or high school oh wait I'm at work

   Penguins probably never get invited to Pig Roasts or other cool parties because they're always dressed so formal.

   loves dating defense attorneys because they are incredibly good at getting guys off.

   Come with me, I know a shortcut.

   If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

   Shut your legs love, I can smell your issues from over here.

   What do Atheists and Vegans have in common? They never shut up about their lifestyle.

   Hunny... You dont speak a lick of English.. But you repeated my coffee order perfectly! Will you marry me!

   Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

   Kids are cute until they start using drugs

   You know you've made a mistake when you accept a friend request from someone, look at their page, then notice it says you have "27 Mutual Victims."

   I always practice safe sex. When I am done, I deflate her and put her in the safe. I don't want my cleaning lady finding it.

   Women are having sex? Oh geez, I need to tell my wife.

   Every wife is a "Mistress" for her husband. "Miss" for one hour and "Stress" for the 23 hours.

   a ventriloquist. I can put my hand up your skirt and make your lips move!

   "Oh No!" "I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there are doctors everywhere!"

   Judging off of the taste of Special K cereal, I can only imagine how terrible Normal K cereal must taste.

   Right now I'm going through a Chex-mix phase, so I guess you can call me "Chexually active".