Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, I'd probably do for a Klondike bar.

   En Vogue was so right. I'm never gonna get it.

   This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.

   Kim and Kanye turn to each other, nod, and smile as the baby comes out immediately crying in auto-tune.

   RELIGION: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

   My idea of the perfect workout is not working out.

   I'll never forget where I was the first time a girl called me 'Sir'.

   I would really appreciate it if Karma came with an explanatory note reminding you what you did to deserve it.

   Stubbing your toe is only a lightswitch away.

   I love science too. But not enough to warrant profanity.

   If my dead body is ever discovered in a church building, please know that I was murdered somewhere else and then dumped in there.

   Jesus take the wheel! No, seriously, all these signs are in Spanish and I can't read them!

   I think a Dog & Pony Show sounds delightful, but people always use that phrase in a negative context.

   Every fortune cookie should have the phone number of a gym inside it.

   Don't worry Adam Levine, most people hate your country also. It's not only you.

   Next time someone calls you from a blocked pick up the phone and say "It's done but there is blood everywhere " then hang up

   The next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number.....Answer it and whisper "It's done, but there's blood everywhere". Then hang up.

   Me: Do you want some more toast?... 6yr old: Yes... ME: Yes what?... 6yr old: ???... Me: What’s the magic word?... 6yr old: Abracadabra?

   My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number..... Big shout out to the ex,, for pissing in my gene pool.

   It takes 17 muscles to smile but it only takes 1 finger to show the world how you feel.