Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WTF........... Just saw a duck smiling at me like a Facebook girl

   Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I just lie down until it goes away...

   I hope Stanley doesn't get mad when the Bruins take his cup again.

   I'm not lost. I'm just exploring different ways of reaching nowhere.

   I have failed to remove all the jellies. I have shamed myself, and my ancestors.

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulimic, and Malnourished."

   i'm giving up dryer sheets for lint

   If someone hates you for no apparent reason give them one.

   Thank God for my mother being so horny 31 years ago or I could have just died a slow death in a sock.

   Out of all the Socially Transmitted Diseases out there, I have Instagram is my favorite.

   Given that you can be anything you want on the Internet... I really don't understand why so many women portray themselves as skeeO's

   I really dont understand interventions. What's the point of being told I have a drinking problem by a room full of reasons why I drink too much in the first place.

   My dog once licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from Everest

   Why does no one ever take pics of their fast food to post on facebook? You want people to see your gourmet feasts, but not when you're woofing down a 20 piece nugget?

   What,,Are you a weekly magazine?,,,,, You've got ALOT of issues

   “Hey you kids - get off my field of skulls!” -Arnold Schwarzenegger as old man Terminator in "Terminator 5"

   I want to motorboat her soul.

   Congratulations to Kim, Kanye and baby Cthulhu! The end is nigh...

   Step 1 in a relationahip is to make sure you strike fear in your girl heart. Threaten to hit her. Make her scared of you so she wont cheat

   When a guy tells you he's meat free, it's a safe bet he's also girlfriend free.