Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone remember the "occupy wallstreet" movement? Weren't they supposed to have been a big deal and get something done??? Talk about fizzle out like a bad fart.

   I Never understood why people watch porn together while having sex. If I have porn then what the hell do I need with another person?"

   Just held the door for an Asian guy. He said "Sank you" so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that!

   @piersmorgan I'll give away all my weapons, if you axe Rachel Jeantel to read a letter that's written in cursive.... PLEASE

   Fun Fact: Half of the current value of the US Stock Market was created between 1817 and 2009. The other half was created under the current Republican congress.

   maybe because running a country is NOT like running a business !

   Life is like a $h!t sandwich. The more bread you have, the less $h!t you have to eat.

   I wish everyone would please stop confusing my issues.

   Fun Fact: Half of the current value of the US Stock Market was created between 1817 and 2009. The other half was created under President Obama.

   "Well, If I have a good lawyer",,, The answer to the question,,,, Can I bring a gun to a fist-fight?

   I also have an awesome recipe for jambalaya,,,,,,, It's actually one of my newest "soup-er powers"..... Drops mic,,,,,, apologizes profusely

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   Sometimes I notice the way my wife is looking at me and think, "if I could read her mind I'd probably be too terrified to live with her."

   Its already too late for some of you ladies to find Mr Right and I would advise you to just settle for Mr. What's Left or you will die alone.

   If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less.

   I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.

   I wish someone could love me as much as I love looking forward to my next meal.

   Yep, back when I was a kid we had hipsters too ...only then we called them douche bags !

   there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn't fully charged? There should be.

   I'm too bad to be an angel and too good to be a devil.