Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't worry! I won't kill you!" is not a good pickup line when you meet a woman while jogging.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.

   Did you ever notice that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML?

   In other news, millions of Facebook users suddenly get their law degrees.

   Does anyone know how many vacation and sick days Facebook offers if you consistently logged in everyday for the past 7 years?

   A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

   Thanks for accepting my, "Friends? We don't even qualify as acquaintances." request.

   Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.

   I'm going to name my first two children George and Trayvon and make them share a bag a Skittles. Its my little way of fighting racism.

   Don’t be afraid of death, be afraid of an unlived life.

   I must say my Facebook experience has been made exponentially better by the larger tool bar at the top, and the notifications icons moved from the left side to the right side of the screen!!

   Funny how the word 'pro' is in progress, and the word 'con' is in congress.

   I just want to snuggle with you until it's sex.

   I will take a boring joke here any day over any more Zimmerman p0sts.

   Hey douchebag. Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent

   Ask someone if they will watch your bike for you and dont leave. Just stand there and watch your bike with your new friend

   Apparently going to coffee with your friends and coming back drunk is frown upon by management .

   Thank you for the feelings, but I must politely decline.

   Misery loves company. And bars, and drinking, and drugs, and barely consensual rough sex with strangers. Misery has all the fun.

   You'd think the liquor store cashier could at least PRETEND not to recognize me.