Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont blame some of these athletes wives for leaving them I mean seriously how do you sign million $ deals then go broke in a few years...

   Turtles are the easiest animals to pee on.

   I wouldn't even know what to do in a threesome. Probably jumping jacks.

   My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”

   why don't you go slip into something more comfortable......................like a Coma

   Happy Birthday Nelson Mandela - 95 years!

   shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.

   I wish birth control could work retro-actively. Some people should never have been born.

   so another day has come and gone and I still haven't used algebra

   My dog has mastered two tricks now. It might not sound impressive, but most dogs can't even ride a BMX.

   Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I've had it a long time."

   Thanks to the economy my wallet is emptier than a potato chip bag at a Weight Watchers meeting!

   ATTENTION ALL WHO WORK WITH THE PUBLIC--everyone is stuck in stupid mode today, a smack to the back of the head should trigger the reset button!

   The next time somebody jumps you, make sure they are just whooping your ass and not trying to kill you before you take any self-defense action.

   Rachel Jeantel is the new Kato Kaelin.

   Why is it always the ugly people who have to post pics of themselves every other day? You might love the camera but it’s obvious the camera does not love you back. So put the camera down and stop scaring little children with your pics.

   Bud Light? I'd rather Light Bud.

   When someone says I look familiar, I say "You've probably seen me in porn."

   So... you think you're so cool because you've made it into triple digits in candy crush huh? Yeah let that sink in.

   When it is this hot out, I like to walk around in my underwear in the air conditioning. I don't know why 7-11 has a problem with this..