Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sexually molesting the wall while looking for the light switch.

   Tomorrow is National Half Priced Candy Corn Day

   5 blocks and no one has given me any candy, this is going to be a long day..

   I just drove by the local high school. It appears all the girls dressed up as sluts today...

   For Americans, next Tuesday is election day. For some Japanese-Americans, it will be "erection day."

   Just finished putting the Ex-Lax in the candy

   I will just take one bong hit with breakfast, chill out for a while, then get some things done. Aaaand I'm not getting off of the couch today.

   Halloween is my favorite night of the year because we are all guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

   FYI I will be handing out 1 oz Bottles of "spirits" tonight to keep them kiddies warm

   Of course I'll attend your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween party tonight. I'll be dressed as the Invisible Man.

   Oh...Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween they say. I guess they don't appreciate random stangers coming to their front door.

   A recent study determined the number one reason couples divorce is marriage. . .

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   Wouldn’t it be great if people could only get AIDS from being a Politician who screws with the economy and causes a Government Shutdown?

   The secret to life is to always do whatever's next.

   Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.

   At my age I only have two goals: to keep working a real job and to keep flossing real teeth.

   Promiscuous wizards often get staff infections. bippity, boppity, BOOOOO! HAPPY HALLOWEEN

   I did very much enjoy the week long 'Almost Human" promotional movie. I loved the commercials that had the baseball too.

   Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets.