Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was kicked out of the Nintendo thoughts group for my idea about a Wii game for disabled people. Apparently Wii-Tards isn't a great name.

   I want a girl I'm proud enough of to show off to my family and friends

   Why are girls with boyfriends always way more flirty than girls who are single?

   The real reason women live longer than men is because they don't have to live with women.

   What do Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common? They both want to be real boys.

   If you wake me up by turning on all the lights, there’s a 100% chance that I’ve already started planning 10 different ways to kill you

   I hate when I put food in the microwave and it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it's cold. Like why you gotta play me like that

   If she treats you like an option, leave her like a choice.

   Life's too short to go to bed early

   Listen to what girls say when they're angry... That's when the truth comes out.

   Other people: Wow what a perfect morning for a run! Me: Wow what a perfect morning to go the hell back to sleep.

   What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?

   Any man who says his wedding day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA.

   Too young for marriage, but too old for games.

   There aren't female werewolves because it would be unfair if they turned into crazed man-eating creatures of the night twice a month.

   How have Tampax and Hershey's not released a combo pack yet?

   The jerk store called. Instead of texting. Typical

   Mike Tyson claims he was high during fights. Strange he seemed so normal and in control of himself.

   Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots?

   It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk...