Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ever look at someone and daydream about them in the most erotic way....yeah that was me today dreaming about my female co-worker shutting the eff up and fixing me a sandwich to eat......

   My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn't touch anything else, so that's good.

   I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.

   I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

   The people who whine about cell phones don't remember how much pointless staring at people there was in the 1990s.

   "I think I can get you a dollar....You gotta be quicker than that" - Geico Fisherman Guy Commercial

   If I give you a dollar, will you buy a clue?

   I am trying to give Kim & Kanye their privacy. I just wish they would accept it.

   People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.

   What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?

   You're not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it

   Botox doesn't make you look young, it makes you look like you think you're old.

   "Half a Dozen", because saying "six" was just too difficult.

   People say I'm too condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?

   The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...

   A lot of kids were upset when they found out Santa was not real, I was more creeped out the fact my parents made me take a picture sitting on a strangers lap and kept it for years.

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure and that I'd want it if there was...