Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He also had a pretty cool winter but his summer wasn't that hot.

   I love these commercials showing caring farmers who are concerned over the way they humanely raise chickens. Only to kill them in the end.

   There's no "I" in "team", but there are two in "failed miserably".

   I tried watching a hockey game last night. I was bored, so I opted for a little more excitement. I switched over to the Fireplace Channel on Netflix.

   Glad to see Halloween is coming and I could finally get rid of some of these fast food condiments.

   The temperature went from 90 to 55, like it saw a state trooper.

   Halloween is like the lifeboats on the Titanic. It's for women and children.

   If you SUCK at playing the Sax , that might be your problem !

   you can’t possibly embarrass me. I experienced ego death at the age of twelve when the plumber caught me making out with my alicia keys poster

   Will never understand people who look both ways before entering the traffic circle?

   I wonder if I have ever bought milk from the same cow twice?

   We'll be setting our clocks back soon. Gaining an extra hour in 2021 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.

   Someone just gave me half of a peace sign. Weird.

   Newsflash: Jon Gruden said what most of us think.

   Capt James T Kirk just told you the world isn't flatt .

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbours are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   Someone tried to tell me I was a vampire once but I checked the mirror and just couldn’t see it!

   Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

   After you eat an edible there is a specific moment in time after which you may not post on Facebook.

   When you see all these luxury rich homes and ur wallet says no....I'll just gonna build a house in minecraft 😤