Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do forget to set your scale back 10lbs this next week

   I didnt know "Degrees Retard" was a standard unit of measure.

   She said we needed to talk like she doesn’t realize I paid $200 for these Dr Dre Beats and wanna get my money’s worth

   "FOX NEWS- Rich People Paying Rich People To Tell Middle Class People To Blame Poor People. "

   Apparently... you can't order "dat ass" at the drive-thru.

   Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.

   I'm so drunk I almost went outside.

   “One, 360, one” - Someone at Microsoft counting to 3

   Fajitas are just tacos that went on to get their medical degree

   World: We’re gonna use the scale where 0° is freezing and 100° is boiling. America: Cool, we’re gonna use the one that doesn’t make sense.

   following a car driving over a bridge with their left turn signal on. Where are they going to turn? Almost wish they would turn.

   I pulled over to pick up a one legged hitchhiker. I told him to hop in.

   Ladies, we can tell when you take a naked pic and try to crop it down to a head/shoulder shot.

   Have sex a bunch of times and suddenly you're expected to "answer her calls" and "act like you know her in public". Women are so confusing.

   I cant wait till black friday at the liquor store

   Apparently a seizure isn't a challenge to a dance-off.

   If you can't open that bottle of pickles for your girl like a real man then just smash it over your face and look crazy B*tches love crazy

   A creditor called, but I told her that Jesus already paid my debt when he died on the cross, then hung up. Read the Bible, b*tch.

   My tombstone will just say DIED HORNY.

   When she says, "No its fine, I'll just go by myself". That's pretty much the figure four leg lock of passive aggressive behavior.