Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Big win for the Catholic church as Pope Francis takes Time Magazine's person of the year barely edging out finalists tea bagger Ted Cruz, prostitute Miley Cyrus, and worst president since Jefferson Davis Barack Obama.

   Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.

   This woman at the mall doesn't even seem to care that I found a lump on her breast that she didn't know about.

   Shadows give the coolest advice.

   ''Do I look like a motherf**king comedian? Don't f**king heckle me. I'm Kanye motherf**king West. I'm dead f**king serious.''

   If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."

   Dear Kanye West,--- Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately

   You want to put friendship to the test? Put both your spouse and your dog in the trunk of the car for an hour. Open up the trunk to see who's really happy to see you.

   just inbox me if you wanna ask something avoid my wall

   If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today. My poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   I'd play more video games if I didn't have a fully functioning pen*s.

   The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.

   I used to complain aobut how much a cup of coffee was at Starbucks... after seeing how much a "cup" is at the VIctoria Secret Fashion show, I'm getting a GREAT deal at Starbucks...

   If you're gonna take a selfie at a funeral, at least get the casket in the background!

   Just saw a "for lease" sign, I painted "navidad" under it ...

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?

   I always carry a very specialized custom survival knife, but it's not sharp. It's for cake or pie emergencies.

   ACA's, CMA's, ACM's...country music is working on having as many stupid awards shows as college football has pointless bowl games.

   R.I.P Mandela excuse me while I take this selfie at your funeral---Obama