Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May the fleas of 1000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch it.

   I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.

   Most places claiming to have Real New York Pizza usually don't. It's more like: "Real Upstate New York Pizza."

   May the sweat of a billion camels invade your crouch and armpits and the smell of a million skunks invade your breath!

   In 1984 I was 10 and burried a time capsule to be opened on new years day 2014....Well the day is almost here and I am so excited to see how big my puppy has gotten

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   Been almost ten years single. A friend asked if I masturbated a lot. I said no, I don't want to get dust all over the place.

   A joyous Festivus to all! May your strength prevail and grievances be few.

   Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.

   I am never surprised when these sportsmen and celebrities do or say something dumb like on social media. Most of them are not exactly rocket scientists.

   Cutler pulled a Romo... or was it a Cutler... idk anymore.

   X It must suck being stupid and knowing 100% of all parents wish you were smart.

   So, if Professor X can move objects with his mind,,, why can't he make his legs move?

   'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house

   Well the NFC East Division Champ will be decided next week when the Cowboys host the Eagles. This just in, Tony Romo already threw an interception!

   Setting here wrapping presents with one hand. If someone finds a band aid in theirs Don't touch it, I'm still waiting on them test results.

   I figure I must be Bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year.

   If I ever get rich, the first thing I'm going to do is start calling my comforter a duvet... And then maybe I'll learn all the names for lettuce.

   If having a dog has taught me anything,,, It's how to eat steak very quickly... *No chewing needed

   Better to be Bipolar than Bi.