Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just opened a store next to 'Forever 21', called 'Finally 22'

   nice try auto flush toilet, but there's more where that came from..

   People who say they are "comfortable in their own skin," scare me because I wonder how they know what it's like to wear someone else's skin

   When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."

   If you advertise your presumably better tv on my old tv and I indeed see how quality your tv is, doesn't that mean my tv is just as good?

   If you have feelings for me,,, thats your problem not mine,

   Wanna feel old? In about 6years it will be the roaring 20s again

   For future reference, farmers get super pissed if you sneak onto their property & chase their livestock with a Taser. It’s been a good day.

   did anyone else besides me use a brown marker to draw nipples on the neighborhood girls Barbies when they were kids?

   I really like what you've done with your crazy.

   Are Tyler Perry movies some kind of punishment for slavery?

   I don't mean to denigrate women. (Ladies, "denigrate" means to put-down or patronize.)

   Apparently even the word n ipple is flagged on h ere.

   You don't look as dumb as you sound though. At least you have that going on for you.

   Every time you make a typo the errorists win.

   Given the choice between a woman and weed… always choose the woman with a weed.

   If you have feelings for me, that's your problem not mine.

   While chasing flies in my kitchen with a fly swatter, I have come to realise that some flies are more clever than some humans I know.

   If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you

   Bought $90 worth of groceries and checker wanted to know if I needed a bag:( No, I'll just eat them here, thanks!