Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always enjoyed Sid's salads

   RIP Sid Caesar... always made me smile. A true comedian

   Now I know why they call her "head nurse" It's because she is in charge of the other nurses...not what I was hoping for.

   The fleetest beast to bear you to perfection is suffering.

   What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks have sex? Relative Humidity.

   Man, however, is the most courageous animal: hence he overcame every animal. With playing and brass he has so far overcome every pain; but human pain is the deepest pain.

   Man is a rope stretched between the animal and the Superman.

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French person would say after a big raunchy fart.

   A lawyer and a Priest are in a boat with three young boys, the boat gets a leak and is sinking fast. There are only 3 life jackets. Priest says, " we need to let the boys have these, " Lawyer," Screw those boys" Priest says " Is there time for that?"

   Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless you're on a diet.

   It’s funny that there aren’t that many female mechanics yet most women try so hard to "fix" men.

   I'm okay with dying alone as long as I can have pizza and vodka along the way.

   GF-So what are you doing on the 14th of february?BF: What day of the week it is?GF: Friday. BF:Leg's,Iam going to do leg's on Friday

   The secret of enjoying a good wine:1)Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.2)if it does not look like it's breathing give it mouth-to_mouth

   Civilized people dont kill each other with gun's anymore.They kill each other by uploading vacation pictures on Facebook!.

   I'm giving my ex-wife roses for Valentine's day to remind her that she's still a thorn in my side

   For men who think.."A women's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the Knives are kept!

   if you are in a male same sex marraige, do both guys forget to buy a Valentines Gift

   I just saw a man reading a book, so I'm basically an archeologist now.

   I hate when my mom tells people I'm 391 months old.