Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does everyone always have to bring up religion? I'm a Christian but I'm not going around shoving it down everyone's throat and I would ask that everyone else keep their beliefs to themselves as well.

   Songle ply toilet paper versus hairy ass. Twenty minutes of my life spent full of fail.

   Females on facebook suffer in silence louder than anyone I've ever met in my life.

   If I was prone to getting emotionally invested in a make believe world of words with no validity, I'd probably be more of a church-goer too

   I want to have my date and eat her too.

   Ladies; Don't listen to a man who says he can tell your temperature with his pen*s. It's fun, but inaccurate.

   Its not my fault I have a double-chin...when God was giving out chins..I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

   I had my first gay experience today. I washed the dishes.

   Can people actually be allergic to sex or is my wife just pretending to be?

   If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".

   I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

   Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.

   Will there soon be an onslaught of Shirley Temple quotes like the Tupac and Marilyn Monroe quotes on facebook? I want to get in the game early and keep my edge

   Note to self: Next time, don't use "continue" as the Safe Word.

   Some people solely exist to test your patience and self-control.

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome

   an earthquake on valentines night....somewhere someone thinks they were great in bed to their lover for a perfect ending on the holiday

   Feeling pretty bad right now for the boyfriends whose girlfriends are on their period today. #HappyValentinesDay

   Happy Valentine's Day...this statement just costs me $1.50 per word...thanks Hallmark Card store...