Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Stalkers are like serial killers; they always want to be in the mind of their victims. 
Silence is the last refuge.
if I hear one more person say "its not that kind of party...put your pants back on"....i'm gonna lose it.
Snow is herpes of the weather
There's no better way to judge potential actors than people on their first date on match. Com
A Polish Olympian won a a gold medal for the speed skating. He's going to have it bronzed.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I am against anything that puts a man on his knees.
The best thing about Valentine's Day is that it's over.
my internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Hey! Idiot! 74 hashtags is good for your instagram picture! No...not 2 or 3...74.
I don't want Shia LaBeouf to stop making films because he might start working in a McDonald's near me and I don't want him touching my food.
When speaking to me please use the words "basically" "actually" and "literally" or basically, I actually will literally not understand you.
Actual quote from a girl I met my 1st day of college: "I would have tested out of English but I had too much other things to do."
What I like about you: the way you hold me tight, you know how to dance, you come over at night. Everything else about you repulses me.
Some of you ask me how I spend my valentines day: Naked, on the floor with a bottle of liquor in my hand, Screaming Adele songs to my cat.
Necco Wafers: the barium swallow of candies.
A sad day I knew would come: Not only can he not drive 55, Sammy Hagar prefers to stay below 45 and won't get out of the passing lane.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
I hate when so much Peanut Butter is gone from the jar that you can't reach it with your fingers any more. I'm just kidding! Who sticks their fingers in the Peanut Butter jar like that anyway?? 