Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
The worst thing in life is smiling at someone who doesn't even worth a kick in the crotch. 
Bought a blowup doll today but I won't blow her up til tomorrow. Don't want to seem desperate.
Laser tag is for pussies... "Taser tag", now thats a manly kinda sport.
Took a smoke break...... Came back inside to watch the Daytona 500.... All of the cars changed paint scheme..... Wait, what? Huh?..... Have I drank that much????? Rain delay dumbass....last years race..... Slowly walks back outside for another smoke
Like most Northerners, as the weather warms,,, I worry about the structural integrity of my igloo.
Shout out to my parents... BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN HEAR ME.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Hmmm,, How about slippers made out of Legos,, So that when you step on a Lego,, you just get taller.
That kid looks ALOT like me.... Somebody should warn him.
Damn dog follows me into the bathroom all the time, so I told her it freaks me out. She then turned around and walked out. Now I am a bit freaked out that she understands sentences.
You shouldn't be buying lobster when you're on a tuna fish budget.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should already be open when she brings it.
Obama to continue going it alone. Thats good, because I dont think anyone is following him anymore...
Bing Bing Harro prease!
"You won a math debate" .. say it fast and out loud.
Jimmy Fallon will last on the tonight show less than a fart in a picnic basket
It's ok Sweden, a silver is still better than what the Americans got.
If a bitstrip cartoon defines your creativity level...we can't be friends.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl's phone and saw that my number was saved as FREE FOOD.
How do you beat a country that will change it's liquor laws to allow bars to open so people can gather and watch gold medal games??? YOU DON'T!!! 