Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jokes on you Lent,,, I already gave up.

   Me: Yes, I'd like to return this dishwasher.... Lowes employee: Sir, you can't just leave your teenager here, again.

   The difference between being interrogated by a terrorist & interrogated by a woman is that eventually the terrorist will end your suffering.

   Given the age of the average facebook user is steadily increasing, it's no wonder their new look would include large print and big pictures...

   If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   Come a little closer so I can push you away. - Women

   If the Chinese are so advanced why haven't they started eating with knives and forks yet?

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those 'eat right and exercise' fads.

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   I'm fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.

   Don't blame me for your issues. Your seat on the crazy train was reserved long before you met me.

   Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.

   I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.

   I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Scarlett Johansson" married. Or Jessica Alba Or Beyonce. Or Jennifer Aniston...

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

   I want to be the reason you cry when you see a happy couple.

   Spelling is not my best subject but I'm great at meth

   Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black.

   What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn’t win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!

   I wonder who vodka helped me insult last night.