Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I comment on someone’s status and they totally misinterpret my comment and I have to explain myself.

   i hate when people think their special and that my p0sts are about them....

   Don't speak unless you can improve the silence.

   A woman`s biggest temptations ~ bags, shoes, & gossips. A man`s biggest temptation ~ a woman !!

   Ladies, telling a man about your menstrual cramps is like…(can someone finish this joke please)

   Coming from someone who writes "a Atlas" #ignorant #anAtlas

   Your check a$$hole light is on.

   Sorry I started a fight in the middle of your parking lot pARtyy- F.Gump

   Don't spoil the Moment by getting busy in taking selfies for Facebook and instagram.

   Being alone with my thoughts always leads to masturbation.

   Behind every great woman is a great behind.

   When her thoughts are dirtier than your thoughts don't ever let her go.

   The ONE true love that makes you a sandwich and forgets that you are gluten intolerant

   If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements.

   I don’t understand you. You don’t understand me. What else do we have in common?

   Uh-huh...my underwear is!! -my excuse since Kindergarten. #stpattys

   To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick's Day. . .

   What I do when I'm black out drunk is none of my business.

   Excuse me, Pink Floyd... It's "We don't need ANY education."

   Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting,,, Was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.