Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Haley Joel Osment should guest star on The Walking Dead one episode..... "I see dead people"

   2,4,6,8 Wichita is not a state!

   I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can't find it...

   My morning alarm tone is The Price is Right loser music

   It amazes me at how dirty minded most of you single women are. What amazes me more is how you clean that mind after you get wifed.

   So far my bracket is perfect! I can't wait to fill the rest of it in.

   Panda Express: Chinese for "You're gonna wish you didn't eat that."

   I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.

   So now we know what happens to planes when you don't turn off all mobile devices.

   Her mouth says yes. Her body says yes. But I can't hear her, because my nachos say crunch

   If you wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt you can walk into any RadioShack and start working.

   I don't understand why people say only men are visual creatures. A woman will spot a rich man & she will see herself leaving your broke ass.

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"

   Tired of everyone taunting and cursing you? Do you feel, no one cares about you anymore? Pressure at work? Feel like running away from this boring life?Fly Malaysian Airlines ✈.. And GET LOST..✈

   Billy has 16 slices of Bacon and Tommy takes 50%......What does Tommy have................A stump......Tommy has a stump

   I need an alarm clock with a snooze button that sounds like a pack of snarking wolves.

   The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.

   Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

   Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.

   Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.