Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut. It's your own hand though, and you have to be very discreet.

   Hotel showers range anywhere from "Gently peeing on you" to "Dear God, this is going to rip my nipples off!"

   just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn't mean it's ok to wear them in public.

   People who change after change will Survive... People who change with change will Live... People who cause the change will Lead...!

   Used to work at a funeral home, and whenever I called out sick I always felt like I was leading them on.

   The worst thing about finishing on a girl's face is how angry they get when they wake up.

   Im not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.

   I think Haley Joel Osment should guest star on The Walking Dead one episode..... "I see dead people"

   2,4,6,8 Wichita is not a state!

   I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can't find it...

   My morning alarm tone is The Price is Right loser music

   It amazes me at how dirty minded most of you single women are. What amazes me more is how you clean that mind after you get wifed.

   So far my bracket is perfect! I can't wait to fill the rest of it in.

   Panda Express: Chinese for "You're gonna wish you didn't eat that."

   I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.

   So now we know what happens to planes when you don't turn off all mobile devices.

   Her mouth says yes. Her body says yes. But I can't hear her, because my nachos say crunch

   If you wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt you can walk into any RadioShack and start working.

   I don't understand why people say only men are visual creatures. A woman will spot a rich man & she will see herself leaving your broke ass.

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"