Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just had my tubes tied, and now She's become........inconceivable.

   My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.

   Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don’t treat every burrito with the utmost respect.

   - Malaysian airlines confirmed having crashed in ocean. World is shocked. Seems everyone must have thought it had landed safely in some remote landing strip somewhere, like most missing planes do.

   ♫ oooooh, if you're happy and you know it hit Alt F4 ♫

   just call me "Mario" cause I've been looking & looking & cant seem to find a woman either #Nintendo

   Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.

   America has got to be the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer.

   My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.

   My Olympic sport would be getting the hell out of Russia

   -- Note to self: 'Cancel cruise to Indian Ocean. No chance of rescue if boat capsizes.'

   I learned from the breast. I mean best. I learned from the best.

   I'm texting nothing but ugly girls from now on. They text back so fast!

   All I'm saying is, if that plane was a white girl named Ashley, the US would have found it by now.

   Sorry I was charming. It won't happen again.

   My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."

   You know who else put mushrooms on their pizza? Hitler.

   With my luck, the love of my life was on that plane.

   A busy tongue is good tongue,when it's not being used for talking.

   I wanna be the reason you realize your husband is really not that bad.