Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did't have time to hit the gym today. That'll be.. let me see.. 6 years in a row.

   On a scale of 1 to a weatherman,,, how good are you at lying?

   "Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper" and it was ugly and they clung and they were stalker.

   According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his baIIs

   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some single women have more than one baby daddy?

   Your hair smells like it wants pulling.

   It's ok to admit when you're wrong. Just don't tell anyone.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman misunderstood.

   Party like your intervention is tomorrow.

   first day of spring break and I have f all to do

   why does the drive-thru ATM have braille?....what blind person is driving a car?

   I searched Google, Bing and Yahoo on the word Impotence and nothing came up?

   I saw an ad on a dating site called: Friends With Benefits. So I made a date, and it went well...right up to when I said, "Ok, I'll be your friend, now where's my health plan?" She got PO'd. Why? What's so bad about that?

   I don’t know a lot, but I know Facebook is as helpful as a football bat.

   I thought lubing my arse with vegetable oil would make my poop come out faster, but I just slipped off the toilet and shat on the floor.. :(

   I named my dìck truth, because bìtchès can't handle it.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get... You're already hard to want.

   Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper.

   Hey McDonald's, here's an add to fire back at Taco Bell: Eat at McDonald's, you won't sh.. your pants. -your welcome.