Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep. Friday night here I come

   So when is the next heterosexual parade so we can brag about how heterosexual we are? Asking for a friend....

   Who need's a spouse when you have the Facebook?

   Dear police: if you're going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he's in the matrix

   When I see a beautiful young lady with a really old or ugly dude, I think the same thing as everyone else....How rich is that guy?

   It's a damn shame that all the people who avoid me can't just come to terms with being in love with me.

   lesbians use BIG strap-ons ;-)

   I'm sorry I keyed your car, but you didn't text me good morning.

   Love Coco Puffs. Hate Popo Cuffs.

   Those that still can't believe it's not butter have margarinal faith.

   I don't know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.

   Twice in one week auto-correct has ruined possible relationships with big girls. One changed, "I miss you, sweetie"...to sweaty. And the other: "It's been been many moons since I heard your voice" to many moos.

   It must take a lot of self-control to work in a bubble wrap factory.

   I'm that person who forgets to wish someone a happy birthday on Facebook but waits til they thank everyone in a post and my comment is always, " You're welcome, let's do it again same time and place next year"

   If bigger is better...explain lesbians.

   I must have a great butt because every time I walk away from my coworkers I always hear 'What an ass'

   I just realized something. Rosie O'Donnell reminds me of a circus bear in a pantsuit.

   That 1/4 mile of blindness, before the defrost kicks in...

   Dear Paycheck...I only see you on Fridays...I really wish you would stick around at least through the weekend....

   A couple in their 80's decided to date. The woman asked the man right off the bat about sex. "What about sex....how often do you expect to have sex?" The man said, "In-frequently." She goes, "Is that one word, or two?"