Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The barista at Starbucks gave me a free Mocha this morning! Must be a follower...... Facebook fame is finally paying off!

   I find it ironic that I watched the movie "jobs" (about the creator of Apple) on my HP computer running windows 8.1..

   Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.

   I bet the beeps the Malaysia search crews are hearing, are old sailor's pagers that fell overboard... them batteries lasted forever.

   I always wonder if somebody's feet will be dirty after running thru my filthy mind all day

   Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait... Regular or Asian?

   Let's face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.

   Hairdresser: do you like it? Me: yes thank you *goes home and cries* (happens everytime)

   that horrible moment when you actually fall in love

   making up for low grades with high calories

   Just one more drink and then I'm outta here" is one of my favorite lies.

   Planning a wedding with your fiancé is good practice for divorce.

   A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney.

   Mazda is having to recall 42,000 cars because spiders have been making webs near the engine vent, which could cause fires. They said, "If you have a Mazda, just hop into that spider-infested fireball and drive it on back to the dealership."

   Inspirational status: If you can make a person happy today don't do it. Punch them in the face instead and steal their shoes.

   At Starbucks I order under the name Dad. Then leave.

   I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep

   can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.

   Some girl just asked me if she was wearing too much makeup. I told her it depends on whether she's going to kill batman or not.

   The search for Flight 370 was declared "The most difficult in human history." Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment...