Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old today. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

   "Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine."

   What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both can smell it, but can't taste it.

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually...damn. Thats a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst..

   sitting here laughing while putting marijuana seeds in a bird feeder

   I've just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself

   You know it was a fun night when you wake up the next day with a priest above you shouting "The power of Christ compells you."

   Some crazy mofo in face paint and arm bands just crashed through the Pearly Gates and power-slammed St. Peter. Badass!

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

   This vacation ain't nothing to write home about.

   Underestimate my crazy to activate my crazy.

   If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.

   Just remember that you don't own anything that won't burn.

   Be generous with time! Use as much of it as you can by telling people to get the f cuk out of your face!

   Somehow she tracked that fart back to me....and that's how I met your mother.

   My research has shown that girls with shaved-off-and-drawn-back-on eyebrows tend to be more confused by a push/pull door than a 5 year old toddler.

   It's almost 2015, why don't we have hoverboards yet?" he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything.

   Some people fight for their instincts even stronger than they fight for their principles.

   I wanna make a t shirt with hitler swinging a baseball bat and FDR in umpire gear saying 3 Reichs you're out

   how do Mexican's cut their pizza?? with Little Caesars