Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."

   I can never remember if it's water or coffee that fights a hangover. Or sleep. Or sex. Or bacon? F cuk, math is hard.

   Sometimes it feels like my only goal in life is just to wake up once a day.

   To be (horny) or not to be, that is the erection.

   Death and taxes .... trying to figure out which one is worse.

   I'd like to help you disappoint your family.

   "Mom, when do spiders learn that if they come in our house, they'll die?"

   Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

   If anyone could witness the chaos of my kids getting ready for school, we'd see a decline in pregnancies.

   Over thinking. Ruining great ideas since women began.

   If you say there's a party in your pants, you should throw some glitter on your nuts and make it a disco.

   Cmon kid, do or say something funny already. Daddy needs a new Facebook Status Update.

   Sorry I ruined your life. I thought you were flirting with me.

   If God wanted more people to attend church why doesn't he lower the price of gas?

   Have you tried checking her purse for your balls?

   Sorry I didn't hear a word you said. I was pretending your nose was the MUTE button

   Coffee will never tell me I had too much to drink last night, unlike some people in this house

   “I can't wait to drunk text this girl who doesn't give a sh*t about me.” - ALCOHOL

   Congratulations to CNN for having the longest running TV show in TV history: Malaysia Flight 370

   .... There are two things in life that are certain ... and I took care of one of them today .... I'm really hoping the other one will hold off for quite a while!!!