Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Misery loves whiskey. F cuk company.

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.

   Have you tried throwing a tantrum?.

   Complicate your life by telling people how you really feel.

   Yes if a bunch of horny and thirsty guys on the internet called you hot then it must be so true.

   Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.

   2 cops walk into a bar... I don't know what happened after that. I got the f cuk out of there.

   Loneliness is singing both parts of a duet by yourself.

   Nice try, Olympic skiers. I've been going downhill without skis or poles for years.

   I'm r @cist but not own a basketball team r @cist.

   I was gonna call you... but I'm still sober.

   What's it called when you hate everyone but still want people to like you? I'm that.

   When someone says they are gonna break their foot off in your ass, it means that they hate you but they hate their own foot even more.

   I don't understand why people want a relationship when there's pizza.

   Sorry they had your spirit animal neutered.

   My therapist says the reason I'm not having any sex at all is because I'm married.

   I'm not good at equations but if you throat punch an a$$hole, it equals karma.

   I just want to be the reason you lower your standards.

   An intervention, but for your selfies.

   My resume is just a folded up death threat.