Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.

   A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.

   Relationship status – bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.

   Our curves would look great together. - Lesbian Pickup line

   Well, I guess II'll wait a bit before I go out. A wasp has flown into my truck. He's has since claimed the truck and is prepared to fight for it. He is a one-wasped army and I'm pretty sure he's in some sort of attack formation.

   Guys, guys...we Americans are not obsessed with dead hookers. Those are British fashion models.

   Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?

   A friend doesn't question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.

   Men are such a pain in the ass. But then you get used to the penetration and it feels amazing.

   courage turns quickly into fear when you attempt to kill a cockroach and it flies.

   People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That's ridiculous, we don't have jobs.

   jimmy is short for james? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. do they even know what short means?

   I don’t think I’d ever be offended by other men hitting on my girlfriend. I’d me more offended if they didn’t. Coz what’s wrong with her?

   people who ask to try out your glasses then get their fingerprints smudged on them are the reason Jesus disappeared from ages 12 to 30.

   Nicki Minaj probably mixes all her make up in a bucket, adds water then sticks her head in and goes with whatever comes out.

   Figured out who my favorite child is on the drive home today when "Thunder Struck" by AC/DC came on the radio. Child #1: What is that noise? Is something wrong with the radio? Child #2: Turn it up papa!!

   I think my superpower is making mountains out out of molehills.

   you can call me "Han" cause I've been solo for so long now

   I missed it. How did Sarah Jessica Parker do in yesterday's Kentucky Derby?

   He died doing what he loved, not replying to my texts.