Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I put bricks on top of my oven... Is that considered "Brick Oven Pizza?"

   Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.

   Sure, I'd get married. But has her on my fb? I’m not ready for that kind of commitment.

   Some people walk the walk and some people talk the talk. I drink the drink.

   [variation] Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of accidentally dropping your ice cream.

   Women's biggest mistake: thinking men can read their minds Men's biggest mistake: not trying to read women's minds

   The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go.

   Being polite and rational - a woman's ultimate warning sign something is wrong.

   I'm at my most popular when I just want to be alone.

   why would you run on a treadmill when you could just turn it into a bed

   My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

   Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.

   A poncho, because nobody else is going to hug you.

   Global Warming would not be a problem if people would stop producing so much hot air complaining about Global Warming.

   My wife takes forever to get ready when we are going out for the evening. I swear, there are glaciers that move faster.

   I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!

   Can't wait to see the look on my doctors face when he walks in the room and I'm already bent over the exam table!!!

   I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.

   Ladies; if you suspect that your man is cheating, take him to that b*tch's front and and see if his wifi connects automatically.