Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Waiter I'll tell you the same thing I told my plastic surgeon - give me crab legs.

   I wish moths and I didn't have the same taste in shirts.

   If porn had been free on the internet 20 years ago, I could have out arm wrestled a bear!!

   Man cannot live on bread alone. That's why we realized the same ingredients in bread can make beer too.

   It works both ways: You're drinking so she looks prettier, she's drinking so you sound more intelligent

   Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

   Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

   Maybe lions don't even like antelope meat maybe they just keep eating them because we all know how annoying vegetarians can be.

   If booze isn't the answer, then your question sucks.

   Oh, you're awake at 3AM? The rest of us don't give a F#$%...

   I didn't know how badly we're losing the war on stupidity til I joined Facebook.

   No matter what life hands you. Don't put it in a fanny pack.

   I've never been held hostage but I've been on a group text.

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.

   I'm a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker

   As soon as you get in a relationship, everyone wanna send you that 'I miss you' text.

   2014 parent: "when I was ur age we had morals back then...no sex before marriage,no drugs, no alcohol".Thanks for being honest...so I'll be honest as a 2044 parent "When I was ur age I had loads of unprotected sex,drugs and alcohol and here I am now"!

   If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they'd sell drugs and alcohol.

   I like to be treated like a king... so I thought of going to Burger King & lying about it being my birthday

   Two do list: -Do -Do