Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.

   Tequila probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

   Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

   Caveman1: look, I invent wheel Caveman2: what we do now? Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

   Chicken strips because Chicken never knew her father.

   lost all my contacts on my phone

   You look like a good reason to drink.

   If I bite the bottom of my lip, it's not because I want you. It's because I have a piece of skin hanging off it that I'm trying to get off.

   Having your cake and eating it too is just code for cheating on your diet...or your spouse

   I'm so upset! I just got a hole in my jeans. Damnit!! And they were my favourite torn jeans. I only wanted three holes, not four.

   How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife's clothes.

   In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.

   If you love someone set them free, if they don't come back hunt them down and beat the snot out of them.

   If you love someone set them free, if they don't come back, txt them when your drunk...

   Just when you start to feel like you're #1, God throws a blue turtle shell.

   There's a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

   As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".

   Curing cancer. That's what you better do with all that free time you're saving up by spelling you "u".

   When you're compl-aining about busy strangers staring at their cellphones- instead of you-, I’ll call you an idle attention $eeker wh0rre chi-ld.