Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have to ask if the sex was good... It wasn't.

   It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered.

   You'll never realise how nice some people are until they need something.

   Women like men who are emotionally available. Write that down.

   Babies are a receipt that you've had sex..

   I don't expect you to read my mind, you'll know how I feel when I set your stuff on fire.

   I don't blame you. I would spank me too.

   Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can't think of a good reply"?

   Got my Soap & Shampoo and am patiently awaiting the meteor shower.

   Oscar Wilde's last words were, "Either that wallpaper goes or I go."

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

   Call me traditional, but marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone & a man who finally caves after years of her pressure.

   People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.

   Kimye.......................In other news there is still a plane missing folks!!

   You will unlikely ever be the oldest person on the planet, but for a brief moment you held the record for the youngest.

   “GM’s alive and bin Laden’s dead” Wait a minute……

   “I don't judge you because your opinion differs from mine. I judge you because your opinion is imbecilic.” Yours or mine?!

   I renamed my Ancestry.com file folder to Edit DNA to mess with archaeologists in the future...

   Living life with the safety off.

   take the d out of a bandana and you get a banana but if you put the d in a banana you get asked to leave the supermarket