Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since Obama is negotiating with terrorists......... Let's offer Mexico a prisoner swap. We will give them 11.7 million immigrants in exchange for our one Marine.

   I can't be the only one who spits on my banana before eating it...Right?

   Got a massive poke backlog, could you all poke yourselves.....i'm too lazy....Bob

   Just replaced my co-worker's lip balm with a glue stick insert. There's only so many ways to say "STFU!"

   Don't forget to support your local liquor store today!

   Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?

   I wonder if Jesus ever saw the face of someone in his toast.

   We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

   What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?

   RIP, Maya Angelou. You were my favorite Ninja Turtle.

   God take the wheel, your son is busy carrying someone down the beach.

   If Eric Shenseki is no longer a government employee, does this mean he has to sign up for ObamaCare?

   Did anyone else get upset when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?

   Breaking up with someone because you told them a joke and they didn't laugh is a good enough reason.

   Question for the Christian folks...When Moses parted the red sea, did he say anything? Like Ta-Daaaaaa!!!

   Everyone knows you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix,, right?

   If Godzilla ever goes on a rampage in Florida, I would move to Lego Lan. Because nobody likes stepping on a Lego #GodzillaKryptonite

   If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.

   Shouldn't we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It's like we work there for a little while.

   The Zoo is a safe place to fart.