Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh great. The 50 shades of grey movie comes out Valentine's day... I'm Not opposed to seeing it, my issue is if not going to first showing off day, odds go up exponentially as the day goes on that you'll be sitting in a wet chair.

   I thought fifty shades of grey was a book about the color on us old people hair

   I love when people say to me… Omg! Your so funny on FB. If they only knew about my awesome copy & paste ability..They could be just as funny!

   has the NYPD found the "Vandals" that took the American flags off the Brooklyn Bridge and replaced them with French flags yet?

   Hot girls TBT are from last year. Fat girls TBT are from the last decade.

   A bunch of old dudes-Rat Pack. A bunch of middle aged dudes- Brat Pack. A bunch of teenage dudes- Whack Pack

   My introverts club met today...at separate houses.

   Having my boss over for dinner. Does anyone know where I can find a nice bottle of chianti?

   There is a new mohel in town. He doesn't charge for his services; he only takes tips.

   There is a special place in Hell for people that pass memes off as their own

   Always drink upstream of the buffalo herd.

   Strangers who think it's okay to just have a random chat with me is what's wrong with the world today.

   I'm only sitting in the back of this police car for the free donuts.

   2 game suspension for knocking a woman out cold? Good thing he didn't rape her too, they might have made him clean up the stadium after the games too.

   I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

   The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.

   You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor.

   It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”